What if God is a virgin? And his virginity is the reason he’s so down on sex? God has never fucked anything. But he made every living thing, and every living thing fucks each other.
And God sees everything we do. Think about that the next time you eat ass.
So we’re literally fucking in front of God all the time. Everybody, all the time. Man, woman, animal and bug. Always fucking.
And we subject God to so many kinds of sex. Straight sex, gay sex, group sex, anal sex, oral sex, protected sex, unprotected sex, kinky sex, vanilla sex, loud sex, quiet sex, slow sex, fast sex, and God sees it all. No one has seen more live porno than the man upstairs.
We all do it, and virgin God has to take it all in. He has to watch every cum shot, creampie, face fuck, and cartwheel 69. Every blow job, butt lick, threesome and donkey punch. Every titfuck, water sport, footjob and gloryhole. Every gangbang, cuckold, and double penetration.
And you think that doesn’t wear on him? Leave him feeling a little tense? So he’s angry, all the time, searching for sinners to smite. And his whole playbook on sex is simple, he pretty much restricts everything except for straight couples performing missionary style sex for the purpose of procreation. The only type of sex he couldn’t ban, for it would lead to the extinction of our species.
Everything else pisses him off.
So he created a son, and sent him to live among us. His name was Jesus, and his sole purpose for living was to spread his seed so God could live vicariously through him.
I know he said some other shit, but that was really a cover story. God wanted to fuck.
Only it backfired, as Jesus was too blameless to debase himself by sleeping with any of his brothers or sisters. And this angered God, who continued to watch everyone around him screw until their hearts were content, while his own son struggled mightily with the ladies.
Jesus was put to death at the age of 33, after God righteously declared “No son of mine will live to be a 40 year old virgin!” and that was that. To this day, God continues to have the worst case of blue balls in the history of the known universe. Revelations, the end times apocalypse, will occur when they finally explode.