Posted by Geronimo Meyerson on

“I hate my mother’s dog.” she says. I stare into the phone puzzled, there aren’t many like me. 

“You hate dogs? Do you kick them?” I ask. She laughs, and admits it’s only the one in particular. She actually loves dogs. 

“I do feel the urge to kick her sometimes though.” 

“I’m a dog kicker.” I say. “If a dog even looks at me wrong, I kick it as hard as I can in the face.” there’s silence on the other line. Then a click. Not the first time my disdain for dogs has ended a lifelong friendship. If he is man’s best friend, let him be treated as such. I’d dropkick any friend with the audacity to lick my face. 

Sure, they’re cute. But nothing about them is acceptable. I like dogs who sit. Chewing and humping? Unacceptable. I’ve only met two dogs I genuinely liked. One had cancer and couldn’t move, the other sat. He was a marvel to behold, disciplined to a fault and uninterested in the typical dog bother. If I were to own a mongrel such as a dog, it would surely be a dog who sat. 

Kicking dogs in the face is a pastime. A constant reminder to the canine that it is inferior. If it is me who pays your rent, feeds you, and takes you for walks because you are unable to restrain your natural horiness and aggressiveness, I shall be your master.  

Tragically, I had to put my dog down recently. There was nothing I could do. He bit me, and you can't have dogs running around that can't control their temper. The incident occurred following a kick to the face.

Because he wouldn’t sit. 

My favorite movies are Old Yeller and Marley and Me. The movies are average at best, but I’m a sucker for happy endings.

 Cats are generally more tolerable, but should never be kept inside the home. If there is a species more vile than the canine, it is the feline. Kick them and their indoor shitting habits to the curb. 

I really don’t hate dogs as much as I let on. It’s not about hate for me, it’s about love. And I really love kicking dogs in the face.