THE KAREN VIRUS

Posted by Geronimo Meyerson on

KAREN
Most people’s biggest fear in terms of viral disease is Covid, which is understandable.
But I’m personally more concerned with another looming threat, something far more insidious than Covid.
I’m talking about the Novel Karen Virus, which became KAREN-19, and is also known as SARS Karen 2.
We don’t know much about it, but its affects are terrifying.
At first we thought it only infected upper middle class Caucasian women, but there are now confirmed cases of KAREN in Caucasian men as well.
Think of KAREN as the white version of sickle cell anemia.
I came face to face with a KAREN infected male at a KFC drive through, and it shook me to the core.
My buddy had to go back through the line after he’d already ordered because he forgot his wallet, so we skipped the line and pulled up to the window to pay. The Karen positive individual behind us waddled out of his Karen van, I’m sorry, Caravan, and walked up to the window by squeezing himself between our vehicle and the wall.
He was too fat to fit, but so physically soft that he flattened out like a squeezed water balloon.
And thankfully, he didn’t pop, because we’d have been doused with an explosion of brown gravy.
He said, “They didn’t wait in line, is that okay?” in a Pee Wee Herman voice, except if he had a stuffy nose. Men infected with Karen develop noticeably nasal vocal tones.
He tried to tell on us, to the KFC drive through guy.
“No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.” Such a tattle tale.
I’ll take a case of COVID over Karen all day.
I often wake in a cold sweat after nightmares of KAREN infection.
All we really know about it so far is it affects Caucasian men and women without discrimination, with the same horrifying affects on either gender.
It turns them into whiny little bitches.